Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Free him
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out