Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
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Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will