If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I can also cook 😂
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet