According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Saturday
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️