In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!