Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
BRO LMFAO
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad