the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I have questions??
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand