*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.