One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second