You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders