No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Basketball
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
much to think about