i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.