*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
#Caturday
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair