Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
No, YOUR illiterate.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*exercises sarcastically*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I see your IQ test came back negative
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
keep reaching for the stars, kid: