EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling