Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
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to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
So creative 😂
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Worst Native American name ever.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.