“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
a god among men
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
This will never not be funny to me.
This rocks