[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My favorite female superhero
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it