“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
groan^2
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.