Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food