Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Birds & Planes.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”