The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*pronounces woah like Noah*