[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
subtitles are so good nowadays
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.