Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
me doing my best
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.