To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
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One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
#dalle2
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.