Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
sry
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.