Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.