That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room