My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.