I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.