I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?