Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
never compromise your values
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Beauty and the Beast
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.