If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
You Might Also Like
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Wednesday
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool