me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
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Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Please do it!
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?