Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
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My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen