me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You Might Also Like
Customize Your Wedding.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.