To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”