I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto