Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u