i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles