Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.