Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.