bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Genius idea!!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
#Caturday
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
can’t wait til they legalize outside