I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
good morning
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first