There’s never enough good news
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”