I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?