Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Unimpressed
The French word for sex is croissant.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2