Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Catering service
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.