Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Give a baker flours on your first date.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.