Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what